I have spent most of my life losing grandparents and older family members, but this week I lost a cousin who was younger than me. It is hard to express my feelings about this loss. I have so many mixed emotions. I am grieving the loss of my cousin, but at the same time, I am seeing how detached I am from the family I was once so close to.
I grew up around my family and we did a lot of things together. We spent summers at the grandparents house (all together, and there were 9 of us). Several of us went to the same high school together. We spent every holiday (Easter, 4th of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving and of course Christmas) together as a family. We spent our birthdays together with large family parties. We did summer cookouts roasting a pig at least once every summer.
However, all those memories for me are from when I was younger and still in school. I don't have the adult memories of many of my cousins because I left our hometown. So when I say I have mixed emotions it is coming from sadness for the loss and anger at myself for not trying to stay a part of a family I grew up with.
I love my family because they are my family and will always be my family, everyone changes and grows and moves on with their lives. That is just a fact of life, but everyone has to make a choice about how they choose to either keep their families apart of their own lives or move on without them. I am making the choice to keep my family apart of my life.
Hug your loved ones and tell them every chance you get that you love them. But most importantly live life and make the memories, because once someone is lost, there is no going back to make those memories.
For my cousin Daniel Travis Nowlin, you may be gone and I may not have the adult memories of the man you became, but the childhood memories let me know you were every bit the man I knew you would become. I love you and will always remember you happily and with love.
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