Love with no regrets...

I have spent most of my life losing grandparents and older family members, but this week I lost a cousin who was younger than me. It is hard to express my feelings about this loss. I have so many mixed emotions. I am grieving the loss of my cousin, but at the same time, I am seeing how detached I am from the family I was once so close to.

I grew up around my family and we did a lot of things together. We spent summers at the grandparents house (all together, and there were 9 of us). Several of us went to the same high school together. We spent every holiday (Easter, 4th of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving and of course Christmas) together as a family. We spent our birthdays together with large family parties. We did summer cookouts roasting a pig at least once every summer.

However, all those memories for me are from when I was younger and still in school. I don't have the adult memories of many of my cousins because I left our hometown. So when I say I have mixed emotions it is coming from sadness for the loss and anger at myself for not trying to stay a part of a family I grew up with.

I love my family because they are my family and will always be my family, everyone changes and grows and moves on with their lives. That is just a fact of life, but everyone has to make a choice about how they choose to either keep their families apart of their own lives or move on without them. I am making the choice to keep my family apart of my life.

Hug your loved ones and tell them every chance you get that you love them. But most importantly live life and make the memories, because once someone is lost, there is no going back to make those memories.

For my cousin Daniel Travis Nowlin, you may be gone and I may not have the adult memories of the man you became, but the childhood memories let me know you were every bit the man I knew you would become. I love you and will always remember you happily and with love.

Depression...

I have seen a lot of posts about Depression. I have also heard a lot of people say they have it. When I hear someone say they have depression I ask, "Did a current situation cause your depression?"
Generally, they say, "Yes."
Then they ask me, "Why do you ask?"

Well here is why I ask that question. There is a huge difference between being depressed and having depression. Situations can make you sad and you are depressed, but it is not depression. Depression is much more than being sad over something that has occurred. Depression takes no situation to hit. I spent a large part of my life being told to stop wallowing in self-pity and to get over things. The problem with that statement is, there wasn't anything to get over. I couldn't explain why I didn't want to get out of bed, or leave the house, or have conversations with people. All I knew was I wanted to disappear, be invisible or in some cases, the darkness was so suffocating I just didn't want to be at all.

I spent almost an entire year of my life not knowing what was going on with me. As a whole my life was good, I had made a moved, I had started a new job, things were going well. However, I felt like I was falling apart, I would cry on a dime. I would shut down or I would blow up for no obvious given reason. The worst part I had no control over any of my emotions. I was told it was a hormonal imbalance at first and placed on birth control pills. Now that was a complete laugh to me cause I hadn't been on them in years, but hey the doc said it would help. Well, guess what, it didn't it only made it worse when the spells would happen. I truly thought I was going crazy or possibly bi-polar, that scared me more than anything. So, I go back to the doc and the plan is put me on an antidepressant. Well, the first medication made me to complacent and I hated the feeling, most of the time I just didn't care about anything and felt numb to everything. Long story short I changed doctors and was finally diagnosed correctly with depression. The relief of hearing that I was not losing my mind and that my emotional rollercoaster wasn't my fault.
I have since learned how to recognize the signals and learned how to deal with them without medication. I was fortunate that my depression was not as severe as some.

The writing life...

There are so many different aspects in writing. The easy part is the writing itself. Then you have the editing, that can be a little nerve racking. Then you have the redrafts, if you are lucky they aren't immense. Then comes the picking which publisher to submit your manuscript too, only to find out you have to have an agent to submit to the publisher. UGH!!

I thought the marketing was the hardest part. I am now learning there are harder things when you want to break into traditional publishing. Lots and lots of different curves in this road to writing.

However, I will not give up on breaking into traditionally published work. I love to write and will continue to do so no matter what. Eventually as it is with everything, it will happen when it is supposed to happen!!

Onward and Upward....To the stars!!!

Life Choices...

I was having a conversation the other day and realized how much I have allowed my out look on things to change.

Major life changes of my life in just the past two years.
A year ago I lost my job two months short of my 8 year anniversary of employment. My two youngest boys graduated high school and left home. I have been having treatments to deal with the sight loss in one of my eyes {I have posted about it before giving updates on treatments}. As well as pushing to make my writing an actual job for myself {Dealing with ups and downs as well as the madness of market}.

With all of this I have endeavored to stay strong and positive. I have hit road blocks, but have forced myself to see the silver lining around every disappointment. I have not always seen myself has the positive force for myself. However, I have always been the positive and supportive force for my friends and loved ones. I just never expected anything in return for that support, I gave it because I cared and saw their potential and wanted to always make sure they saw it too, even if it was through my eyes.

I post my updates regarding my treatments to make it easier to let family and friends know how things are going, mostly to save having to repeat myself multiple times :). I have been both honored and blessed by the amount of support and love I have been receiving from both family, old friends and new friends.

With my writing I have put my work out there for other writers to view and review. I have gotten a wide range or reactions to my first book {since it is the only one I have put out there so far}. The reviews have ranged from ecstatic and wanting more, moderate and even the not so ecstatic. However, I have refused to view any of the reviews negatively. You can't please everyone all of the time and not everyone likes the same thing, but every review ecstatic or non-ecstatic has value if you allow yourself to view everything as constructive.

Nothing has to be taken negatively unless you allow yourself to let it be negative. You have the power over how you value everything said, done or experienced. It is the one thing I have finally realized and because of it, I have stopped being afraid to say what I think or feel. I am proud of the woman I have become and proud of the life choices I have made. I have learned from my mistakes and have grown from those lessons. There are still more lessons to be learned and I eagerly await them with the goal of not allowing negativity to pull my back down.

Growth people, growth is what life is all about!! Live life, take chances, smell the roses, walk on the beach and dig your toes into the warm sand. The point is accept the choices you have made and learn the lessons from those choices and LIVE, don't WATCH life.

Hair Salon Days

I don't know about you, but I always feel so much happier after I spend some time with my beautician. Besides the fact that she does a fabulous job, I leave her "office" feeling better than when I walked in.

There is just something about having someone wash your hair that puts you at ease and relaxes you beyond belief. My hair always feels healthier and softer after spending time in her hands. It is a massage for your head and it is amazing!!

A day at the spa getting your body massaged is great too, but it isn't quite the same as having head massaged. I think I feel more relaxed after a day/hour maybe three hours at the hair salon than anytime I have ever gone to the spa...

Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy a great body massage, but there is a different euphoria to having your head massaged when you go in to have your hair done. I feel amazing every time!

I wish you all the same euphoria after a visit to your beautician!!

Belief in Dreams...Real or Fantasy?

Have you ever wondered what a dream meant and then looked it up some where?
Have you ever had a dream that later unexpectedly became a reality?
Have you ever thought some of your dreams were premonitions of an event for your life?
Have you ever experienced deja-vu?

I can honestly say I have. All four of the questions have been actual for me. I have a very open mind about a lot of things, some might call it head in the clouds or even not living in reality. But I myself call it being open and excepting. I have taken those "How high is your IQ?" "What personality color are you?" and my all time favorite "Right Brain Left Brain, which are you?"

I believe we all have a sixth sense, whether we choose to listen to it is always up to us. I have had flashes of images of events that months later actually happened. I have had many occasions of deja-vu, but could not recall when the event had happened previously. However the feeling was so overwhelming there was no way in my mind I had not experienced it before.

I also believe everything happens for a reason, that is not limited to things you have no control over. For every action, there is a reaction. We all know this to be true and a fact, simplest example is the ripples across a pond after a pebble is thrown into the water. Our minds are like that pond after the pebble has been thrown, pay attention to those ripples, they mean something.

I have said before the mind is an amazing thing, these are just a few more examples of why I truly believe that. My reasons my not be on a scientific level, but none the less, to me they are reasons. So, I say to you, if you have said yes to any one of my four questions. Start listening, because you have an ability to help you see what can be when the time is right and recognize that time when it arrives.

Believe in yourself! Believe in what can be! Believe in what will be! Simply, just believe!

Thought...

Have you ever thought about the line in the movie Avitar "I See You!"?
Have you ever looked at someone and truly seen that person and not the outer shell?

There are a lot of beautiful people out there, and that beauty is only skin deep. Then there are those that are truly beautiful all the way down to their soul. There are those when you first see the shell they aren't so beautiful, but when you see the beauty inside them, you see nothing but beauty regardless of the shell.

The saying "don't judge a book by its cover" goes along well with the movie line "I See You!"

When you truly see someone, you see all of them. The light, the dark, the joy, the fear, and all the parts they try to hide from the world. We all hide within ourselves the things we know others will judge us by. Even those that speak their minds and say a lot of what they feel, still have a side of themselves they hide from everyone.

So, I ask you, is there someone in your life you can say, "I See You!" or do you have someone that can say to you, "I See You!"

I hope you all can say you have both! But if you only have the one side, value them! Unconditional acceptance and nonjudgment is the best way to love someone and it is the only way to truly love someone.

Insomnia

As I laid trying to sleep my mind refused to stop. Thoughts just kept randomly flashing. Some of them were images of previous encounters, others things I had in my heart that my mind decided needed reviewing.

The mind is an amazing thing when you think about it. Your body tells you when it is hungry, tired, in pain, content or in need. But your mind tells you when something is right, wrong, happy, sad, angry and many other things. It always reminds you what is meant for you. It reminds you of dreams you have locked away and temporarily forgotten. It reminds you of people who mean something to you. It attempts to remind you of you.

Insomnia is your minds way of telling you, you are missing something. You have something to say or do that you haven't done or said yet. So the next time insomnia knocks, listen to what is right there in front of you.

Maybe it is an untold story. Maybe it is a person who needs to hear from you. Maybe it is as simple as you just need to hear your own voice and listen to what it is telling you. At night when it is dark and quiet is the best time to listen to you! Try it next time and you will be amazed at the results you will get.

Grammar...UGH!!!

Grammar and knowing how to use proper grammar is not easy. Especially when outside of school slang is more readily used. Trying to always remind yourself when you are writing to use proper grammar and not slang is "Hard"

As a kid, I hated "Language Arts" and as a teenager I really hated "English" I believe it was the having to follow all the rules. The rules were never easy to remember or made much sense to me. My poor little brain didn't work like that.

However, now as an adult and writing, some of those really pain in the but rules that made no sense, now make sense and aren't as hard as I believed them to be as a kid. I am actually learning what I had such difficulty with as a kid.

There are still rules that I don't get, and some that I just have to be reminded of in formal writing and pleasing as many readers as possible. I love to write and entertain with words, I just have to rely on editors to remind me of the grammar rules and I am okay with that.

So to anyone that has either just started writing or is thinking about writing, my advice focus on the writing and let editors catch the grammar stuff. As a writer your job is to write, so just do it!!

Respect and Love

The only way this is going to end is if we end "HATE"
My heart breaks for those who have been affected by any form of hate. I am by no means a bleeding heart and believe any wrong done the person or persons responsible should be held accountable for their wrong doings. And most may call me nieve and I'm okay with that, but I am saying this in the simplest of terms, this all boils down to one thing -- {{HATE}} it is what drives the ill will in all of us, in one way or another. I am not one to just lay down and blindly follow, and I don't believe showing respect is laying down or blindly following. I will and do show respect to those who cross my path. I don't care what god you believe in or if you believe in any god at all, the pain and suffering that is being witnessed and inflicted on us all is very simple. Once people realize it really is that simple, then just maybe we can start to heal as a people, a nation, as a species. ‪#‎STOPTHEHATE‬‪ #‎TEACHLOVE‬
We are all different and I for one and grateful for that. We would not be individuals if we were all the same. Accept people for who they are, people! Just because you may not agree with someone or something, doesn't make it wrong or scary, just makes it different. Disagreeing with something doesn't make it hate either, what makes it hate is when your words or actions become negative and harmful, that is hate taking over. Regardless of how you show your hate, it is still hate and it is wrong.
I am voicing my opinion because I have the ability to do so, if you do not agree with my opinion, I respect that because it is the ability you have, to disagree and have your own opinion. All I ask is regardless of your opinion, be mindful to be respectful and not hate.
Passion in what you believe is a good thing, it becomes a bad thing when you purposely force or try to force your opinion or belief onto others without regard to their thoughts and beliefs. So be passionate, but still respect others passions as well.

Human Beings

I am not a political person. Nor am I a racial person. I have my beliefs, my moral compass and my love for people in general. These are the things which help me along my journey called life.
I am currently having a love/hate relationship with the media and social media. Every time something bad happens the media turns it into a complete circus and hate frenzy.
If something is wrong, then it is wrong and the wrong should be held accountable, however, the media make things a whole lot worse than needed by encouraging more hate.
If people would just stop seeing skin color and start seeing human beings/people, because in reality, no matter what color your skin is, you are a human being, a person.
We as people need to stop allowing things to be judged by the color of one's skin. But until we can do it and see people as people and not skin color there will be no change. Hate is out there and it doesn't discriminate, hate twists and mutilates everything it comes in contact with. So in truth HATE is what needs to change to help people change and be more accepting.

Judgmental Family Members

We all have them. Those family members who like to make it known to you other family members are somehow better than you and you really aren't as smart or able to make choices. They have the ability to tell you, you aren't as strong as you think.

Well I say to all those family members out there who think it your duty to make other family members feel less important than other members...You need to take a good hard look at yourself before telling someone else they aren't good enough.

Everyone has abilities which are possibly stronger than another, however it doesn't make them better or the other less of a person. With each ability makes each of us unique and special. Strengths and weaknesses make us who we are and if you can't accept everyone for who they are then you need to keep your comments to yourself. It is better to not say anything than to say something hurtful.

The saying you can't pick your family, well you may not be able to pick the biological ones, but we all have the ability to choose who we want as a family. I am in many ways closer to friends than I am to actual blood family.

Now don't misunderstand me, I love my family and I will never disown any of them, but I can not speak for what they will or won't do. I just know I am no longer going to allow anyone to make me doubt my own worth!! I am who I am and I will not be ashamed of who I have become or who I am still yet to become.

So, to my followers, I hope you take a stand for yourselves and don't let anyone make you doubt or question who you are and be proud of yourself and your own accomplishments no matter how small!!